Last night as I was getting ready for bed I noticed some body sensations that demanded my attention. I unconsciously went to reach for my phone to distract myself. I immediately reflected back on a blog I read earlier in the day, by my extremely talented and vulnerable friend Rachel, about feeling our emotions. I preach this to others. I know it and yet it can be hard to practice with myself.
I stopped in my tracks and laid down naked on the sheepskin, that my soul sister Amanda loaned me while she’s on a journey of exploration, in India.
I used a technique my very nurturing therapist Catherine taught me. To let the feeling know I was there for it. To ask the feeling what it needed from me. And lastly giving it permission to heal. As I laid naked in fetal position, cradled by the soft sheepskin, my body told me it wanted to be nurtured. I sobbed. Then I felt relieved to hear myself respond to my own nurturing. I have been practicing so much self love, it feels like it is paying off. I let myself cry. I remembered the times I wished I had been nurtured. I felt the feelings of wanting to fall apart. To be messy. To be weak and to be cradled by a loving being who could see through my rough exterior barriers. Someone who was not afraid to lean in. It felt vulnerable to even think those those thoughts and it also felt like a relief to say them out-loud to myself.
I went to bed. Surrounded by my pillows. Feeling nourished in my white, cloud-like bed. I had my hot water bottle against my bare skin. I felt love and support from myself. I felt the support of my friends and family. Knowing they will step up when I open my door to being nurtured and loved fully. I fell right asleep.
Cold, wet, shivering…I woke up in a pool of water. Because of my high dose of cannabis I take before bed to keep cancer at bay, I was fuzzy and confused. Did I pee the bed? Did I have an intense menopausal night sweat? I felt my hot water bottle and it was empty. The thing that helps me feel comforted, turned on me. The entire contents now surrounding me. I stripped my bedsheets only to find my mattress was soaked. With nowhere to go and no one to help clean up this cold, wet mess. I cried. I cursed the universe. What the actual fuck??? I am doing the work. I sat with my feelings. I gave myself self love…so what the actual fuck? Why did this happen to me tonight. I know I can support myself and I don’t always want to be strong and do it on my own. I laid on my exposed mattress on the edge of the bes that was driest. I went back to fetal position and went back to sleep. I woke up. I threw my bedding in the wash. I made my juice, my smoothie, my cacao, took my supplements and went to work…on that same bed.
I sit on this stripped down mattress writing this post. Wondering what to make of this game called life. Waiting for more to be revealed. Sharing myself fully. Unapologetically. Thank you for listening.
P.S. OK, universe…. I will stop questioning you. As I typed the last sentence, my ex knocked on my door. I was feeling so tender and emotional. I didn’t think I was up for engaging. Usually our interactions have a lot of tension and I usually end up upset and triggered. This time I softened and received him. He started sharing about his finances and how it felt stressful. I didn’t understand as he is way better off not supporting a family of 4. When I questioned him more he explained how he wanted to support me and ease my stress around working. As the tears started streaming down my face….he leaned in. He walked toward me. This is a new thing. He sat with me, held me shared his appreciation for me and all I’ve done for our family. These are words I always push him to say and want to hear and yet they have eluded me. He mentioned how happy he is our home is a safe shelter for me. For us. He shed tears with me and was soft with me, tender. He met me where I was at. This is a new dynamic. I stayed soft and vulnerable. It felt so good. I see now, my softness and vulnerability is paying off. I was being tested and I think I passed! I am so grateful for this path. For these lessons. For my life.